Today I want to talk about the distinction between “self-centered” and “self-caring,” and why it matters so much in Bright Line Eating, 12-Step recovery, or any healing journey
Many people, especially women, resist focusing on themselves because they fear being selfish. We’re raised to be nurturing, other-focused, and self-sacrificing. But when that mentality runs unchecked, it can undermine our recovery.
In Internal Family Systems, the “Self” is the highest manifestation of personal alignment. Self-energy is grounded, compassionate, and in tune with your Higher Power. Yet in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, we are told that self-centeredness is at the root of the addict’s problems. So which is it?
The Confusion Around “Self”
In early recovery, I learned that selfishness is dangerous, and I needed to become other-centered. But I also learned to focus on myself through a Fourth Step inventory, so I could look at my “defects of character” and ask my Higher Power to remove them. But most of the emphasis was on serving others.
At Bright Line Eating, many of us are caretakers. We tend to skew more toward co-dependence rather than self-absorption. We may give and give, and sometimes we can’t heal because we won’t focus on ourselves enough to maintain our Bright Lines, weigh and measure our food, or protect our recovery.
Ironically, being other-centered can be a subtle way of taking rather than giving. When we give from a place of depletion, we’re often seeking validation or approval. That kind of giving breeds resentment and burnout.
Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First
There are two principles related to this to consider. First, there is an order of operations in recovery and self-care. You must put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.
We are each charged with the care of one soul in our lives: our own. If we have extra left over to give, that’s awesome. First, though, we must take care of ourselves. If we neglect that responsibility, we become depleted, and, ultimately, we then depend on others to care for us, whether physically or emotionally.
Different Needs, Different Levels of Care
The other principle is this: Not everyone requires the same level of self-care. Some people run on less maintenance. Some more. I’m a high-need person. I need to do a lot to take care of myself—meditate, take care of my food, etc. That’s not indulgence—it’s responsibility.
If you need to focus heavily on yourself to operate smoothly, that’s not self-absorption. It’s good stewardship. If your cup isn’t full, you will unconsciously ask others to fill it for you, taking rather than giving.
The goal is to be grounded and centered in yourself. When your needs are met, you can give freely. Even a little is enough, if that’s what you have. But it can’t happen if your cup is empty.
A Wake-Up Call For Those Who Give
So for those who give and give and give at the expense of self, this is a wakeup call. It may be time to be a bit more self-centered. Being other-focused to the point of neglecting yourself isn’t a virtue; it’s an imbalance.
Get grounded. Get self-centered, and then give. Bright Line Eating is not a selfish program; it’s a self-caring program. It involves shining a light on the self and getting aligned in one’s self, so we can give to others.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
