This week, I want to talk about something that can be surprisingly hard to define: addiction.
Not just whether it runs in families—but how we actually recognize it in our own lives.
This topic came up in a recent conversation with Brenda, a longtime Bright Lifer, who asked a thoughtful question: What’s the difference between dependence and addiction?
She shared that she had been prescribed a benzodiazepine medication years ago and had developed a strong physical dependence on it, so much so that it required a careful, two-year process to come off of it safely. And yet, she didn’t feel addicted. There were no cravings, no desire, no sense of pull.
At the same time, her experience with sugar and flour felt completely different—much more aligned with what we typically think of as addiction.
That distinction is important.
Addiction Isn’t Just One Thing
It’s tempting to think of addiction as something clear-cut—something you either have, or you don’t.
But in reality, it’s more nuanced than that.
One way to understand it is through what cognitive psychologists call a family resemblance category.
Instead of having one defining feature, a family resemblance category is made up of many possible traits. No single trait is required—but as more of them show up together, the picture becomes clearer.
Just like members of a family might share certain characteristics that allow you to recognize them—hair color, facial features, voice—so you start to recognize the pattern of addiction over time.
The Difference Between Dependence and Addiction
Physical dependence is one piece of the picture, but it’s not the whole story.
You can be physically dependent on a substance—meaning your body experiences withdrawal or requires more of it over time—without experiencing the behavioral or psychological patterns we typically associate with addiction.
Those patterns might include:
- cravings
- loss of control once you start
- repeated attempts to quit without lasting success
- negative impacts on relationships or daily functioning
In other words, dependence alone doesn’t necessarily mean addiction.
Recognizing the Pattern
One way this shows up is in how different frameworks define addiction.
The DSM-5, the diagnostic manual used in psychiatry, lists 11 features and says that if someone is experiencing “significant impairment or distress” along with just two of those features, it may qualify as addiction, or what they call a substance use disorder.
Alcoholics Anonymous takes a simpler approach. In The Big Book, the question is essentially: when you want to stop, can you? And when you start, can you control how much you engage?
Both are ways of recognizing a pattern—two features of a family resemblance.
One early sign that you might have an addiction is unpredictability. You engage with a substance or behavior and don’t know what will happen. Sometimes it feels manageable. Other times it doesn’t.
That inconsistency and sense of not being fully in control is something many people recognize as addiction develops.
Finding What Matters To You
Understanding this framework can help you get a feel for your own patterns. But at the end of the day, the label itself may not be the most important thing.
What matters more is whether you’re willing to take steps that support your well-being.
For some people, like me, identifying as an addict can be helpful—it creates clarity, motivation, and even self-compassion. It explains behaviors that might otherwise feel confusing or discouraging.
For others, that label may not resonate in the same way. And that’s okay.
Final Thoughts
What I find most helpful about this way of understanding addiction is that it creates space for awareness.
Instead of asking, Do I have this or not? We can begin to ask, What patterns do I see? What feels aligned—and what feels off?
Because ultimately, that’s what matters. Not the label, but the willingness to see clearly, to respond with compassion, and to take the steps that support a life that feels more aligned.
