I’ve been thinking for a long time about the difference between support and enabling, especially in Bright Line Eating buddy relationships.

Sometimes, two people continue exchanging food commitments even though both know those commitments aren’t being followed. There may still be plenty of love, reassurance, and connection, but nobody is naming the fact that the arrangement isn’t actually working to provide accountability.

That can look like support. But it may actually be making it more likely that you’ll continue struggling.

When Support Softens the Consequences

If my buddy receives my food commitment, knows I’m eating something different, and simply reassures me each time I break my Bright Lines, that reassurance can blunt the discomfort that might otherwise lead me to change.

The same may be true in reverse. We can end up supporting each other in not following through, rather than helping each other create joyous, successful Bright Lines.

That doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship has to end. But it probably does need to change. We may need to face the reality that what we’re doing is not serving either of us, and that we’re living out of integrity with what we say we want.

Having the Hard Conversation

For conversations like this, I recommend using the Failsafe Feedback Framework, a simple script created by Annie Hyman Pratt. My team has used it for more than a decade, and I use it all the time. I’ll put the link below.

It helps you stay with the facts, express your thoughts and feelings clearly, and structure the conversation in a way that reduces defensiveness. The relationship may need to end, it may need to shift, or the two of you may simply need to recommit to following through on what you say you will eat.

What is the Difference Between Support and Enabling?

Support means I am not trying to rescue or control someone. I don’t assume I know better than they do, and their problems aren’t occupying a large amount of space in my mind between our interactions.

I help when I’m asked and when I’m able. I can share my perspective and my experience, but I trust that the other person has the capacity to find their own answers and solve their own problems.

Enabling feels different. I may see myself as the hero, swooping in to do things the other person could or should do for themselves. I think about their situation frequently, feel tense and stressed, and begin taking on responsibility for their well-being.

Over time, that can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout.

You Are Your Responsibility

If I recognize that I’m enabling someone, the antidote is to shine the spotlight back on my own life.

My well-being is my responsibility. The other person is not my responsibility. I need to attend to my own needs, my self-care, and the life in front of me, and trust them to work out theirs.

When my cup is full and I have something extra to give, I can help if I’m willing, available, and being asked. That kind of generosity and kindness makes the world go ‘round.

But trying to pour from an empty cup doesn’t truly help anyone. Support allows both people to remain responsible for their own lives, even if they’re quite interdependent. Enabling just makes them dependent.

Click here to access the Failsafe Feedback Framework.