When we asked Bright Lifers what their favorite vlogs were for our “Best of the Vlog” series, this one came out at the top of the list. It will help you interact within our Bright Line Eating community and may have a positive impact on all your relationships.

We Don’t Learn How to Support People in School

In the first few weeks after we launched Reboot Rezoom, I heard something I didn’t expect from a few people. They told me they connected with someone and felt judged and lectured. I was shocked, but then I thought: knowing how to support someone is not well communicated in our society and not widely known. It’s not a skill set that we learn in school or therapy. 

So, if you are watching this now and wondering if you’ve hurt someone in the past, let me first express loving compassion for you. It’s okay. We’re all learning. It’s something I love about our community. 

There are a few principles for giving effective support. I’m going to give you a cheat sheet that you can use when needed.

The Master Rule: Never Give Advice

The master rule is: never give advice. Never. Never try to help someone figure out what to do. When they are trying to keep their Bright Lines Bright and you try to tell them what to do or make suggestions, you’re joining forces with their food controller. That’s the part of them that’s already nagging them to prep their food and do other tasks to try to make it better. That part of them is afraid of being hurt, afraid of failing. And that part is already freaking out. It’s in a war with the food indulger part that already thinks it’s all too much to manage. 

When you start to troubleshoot what they might do, you’re getting into the boxing ring and exacerbating that war. I promise you that they already know they should be prepping their food, making their phone calls, and keeping four to six hours between meals. They know—so it’s not helpful.

If you keep your Bright Lines Bright, you know the commitment it takes and the surrender that you made. You know it’s not easy, but it is possible. And it’s so tempting to see the person you’re talking to as different. You want them to get their act together. 

But keep this in mind as a way to reframe: that person isn’t really different from you. It’s just that they are in a different place from you on the arc of their journey. 

The Right Way to Provide Support

The good news is that the right thing to do when you’re talking to someone who is struggling is easy, simple, and effective. Here’s what you do: mirror back what they just said, and resonate with the feelings.

Here’s what this might look like. Let’s say someone says to you, “I just ate a handful of nuts, and I’m fighting with my husband because my mother-in-law is in the hospital.”

You’re thinking: “Eating those nuts didn’t help…”. Instead, what you say is something like: “Whoa! So what you’re saying is your mother-in-law is in the hospital and there’s friction with your husband over that. And you just grabbed some nuts. Am I getting that right?”

You’ll find that they’ll continue to talk. And they will sigh a sigh of relief. They’re heard and are safe. And the war in their head starts to relax. You are helping them sink into their highest Authentic Self, where they will know how to navigate what’s next.

The more conflict they’re in, the more important it is to mirror back what they said. You can also mirror feelings. For example: “That sounds so hard! I can hear the pain in your voice.”

That’s it.

Counter Isolation with Connection

You don’t have to solve their problems. You don’t know all the details. If someone genuinely asks for your advice, ask permission: “You want me to weigh in? You want to know what I think?”

You can also mirror back positive emotions: “I hear the energy in your voice! This is a big deal for you!”

People going through stuff feel isolated, like they’re in an igloo at the South Pole. Your job is to show up at the igloo door with a candle and a cup of tea and say, “You’re not alone. Let me be with you through this.” Your presence is enough. People have their answers inside of them. When they’re safe, they’ll know what to do.

How to Provide Loving Support was originally published on May 15, 2019: https://www.brightlineeating.com/blog/how-to-provide-loving-support