Trigger warning: this vlog gets personal and emotional. It’s about someone with significant trauma in her life. If you have trauma in your background, take care of yourself as you watch, or perhaps take care of yourself by not watching.
I’ve spoken about Asha before. I told you she had brain cancer, and wasn’t supposed to live long–until, miraculously, a scan showed that the cancer was gone. This miracle may have been one of the factors that finally spurred her to move, because she was being abused—mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally.
She now lives near me, and we both thought that once she was safe, things would get better. But it was not so easy. Her immediate reaction to trauma used to define her whole life. It made her strong and resilient, but also not prepared for handling the lack of emergencies that faced her when she moved.
She had nightmares and flashbacks and was scared. I thought she would love our wonderful local 12-Step programs, but didn’t factor in that she would not feel safe talking and getting support.
Living With Dissociative Identity Disorder
Asha has a condition called DID—Dissociative Identity Disorder. Here’s what that means: in infancy, our brain works by subtracting unnecessary neurons and synapses as we grow. But with trauma, the brain preserves the neurons and synapses and organizes them into duplicate structures—multiple persons.
This allows a person who is being abused to “switch” so that the abused person stays inside and a new person comes out, and goes to school or work as needed. More and more parts are created. Some stay inside and heal, others may come out to fulfill public roles.
Asha found me through Bright Line Eating two years ago. When she first sent me a private message on social media, I sensed that she might be suicidal and talked with her for hours, finally getting her to call a suicide hotline. I learned about DID by reaching out to a complex trauma expert to ask for help with Asha. She told me about it and gave me diagnostic questions to ask her. She said there is memory loss when there are multiple people in one brain. Did Asha, for example, find writing in her journal that wasn’t in her handwriting? Did she lose periods of time? She did.
What Asha Means To Me
I’ve gotten very close to Asha over the past year or two. She asks me frequently why I stay involved with her. My answer is always: I honestly don’t know, and because I love you, and because it’s my sense that it’s God’s will for me to be here for you.
I have no doubt that what she’s telling me about herself is true. She is not bullshitting me. Rumi says something about how everyone has certain work to do. For me, that’s Bright Line Eating. And it’s being with Asha. Being close to her is both hard and very rewarding. I know this is meant to be.
DID is twice as common as schizophrenia; it’s not rare, but many therapists don’t know how to work with it.
Helping Asha With Your Prayers
Here’s my point in telling you all this: I have two requests for you. We’re at a jumping-off place because Asha is melting down. Currently, her therapist and I think she needs inpatient care.
My first request: Would you pray for Asha? When my twins were born prematurely, weighing just over one pound each, with little chance of living, there were networks of people praying for them. And they both lived, and now we’re looking for colleges for them. I felt the prayers. It was like walking on cotton. It was like the sweetest pastel sunset. All because of the prayers. So please—pray for Asha.
Help Asha By Subscribing to Her Substack
My second request: if you have it in you, and you want to, would you subscribe to her Substack? She’s writing a blog about her life, and it’s GOOD. You will enjoy it immensely. It’s called “Glitchy but Functional.” Asha is so functional—her credit score is 815!—but she’s not functioning so well right now. She’s so scared. But she’s writing. And her Substack is worth reading. Five dollars a month is the subscription. She’s so proud of her work, and it means so much to her.
If she had subscribers, she could take the time to be in an inpatient program. You could all help her get there. I’ve shot maybe five vlogs in my ten years that ask for support. Asha needs a community, and I’m asking you to be her online community. Give her love, prayers, and encouragement.
Asha has been abandoned so many times in the past, and she fears I’ll abandon her now. I won’t, but I can’t be her only support—I’m not enough. So I’m coming to you in the hopes that a lot of people who can care just a little can add to a lot.
People who have DID are incredible. This illness is an amazing example of adaptive resilience for someone who’s living through something too much to endure.
More people need to know about this disorder that is living among us. And we can start with Asha. Please help. The link to her Substack is below. I love you.
